Start now and make a brand new ending

Dear Patty,

I have a problem--I am a senior in my late 70s and have tried on several occasions to raise the issue of my future care with my (usually) very responsible son. Alas, he will not talk about it with me. Am I the only one experiencing roadblocks when it comes to talking about this? Is there something I can begin to do on my own?

--Janice

Dear Janice,

No you are not alone - unfortunately an ostrich-like attitude is common with many Canadians when it comes to this important issue. I meet it all the time... everywhere!

For instance... at the beginning of February, in Winnipeg, a taxi driver asked me what business I was in, and upon hearing my response, "I write and speak on the issue of long-term care and its enormous impacts on Canadian families", he said abruptly, "I'd never go into one of those places". And that ended any further chitchat.

... A few weeks ago, I had a speaking engagement in Vancouver cancelled because the boss of the company didn't want a presentation on such a "depressing topic" for his employees.

... Last year, a survey by John Hancock hit my desk (even though it was US-based, I bet the findings would be similar in Canada). It found that of the people surveyed (a very wide range of 21 to 75 year olds) 55% would rather draw up a will than even talk about the care-issue and 50%considered going into a nursing home worse than death!

So you see, Janice, just as you are finding out, this is a delicate issue which is very much clouded with outdated ideas and strong emotions by both boomers and seniors alike--feelings about growing older, losing independence, being a burden, needing help in order to stay in our own homes, the fear of Alzheimer's, ending one's life in a nursing home, running out of money, eroding assets during retirement, death of a parent and on and on the list goes.

So, I suggest you gently continue to try to raise the issue with your son, but tackle it in a positive manner and in 'small pieces' such as "I want to make sure that you know that I want to move to an assisted living retirement apartment when I am older and need some help... and I have picked out a fabulous one that I am interested in....it has a very social atmosphere, wonderful quality services, provides security and is very affordable for me".

This type of statement should prompt a discussion on 'your choice for residency when you need some care' and let your son know that 'independence' is important to you and that you want to be very much involved in 'future decisions involving your lifestyle'. It will also allow you to educate your son to some extent, explaining in this case, that you are not talking about nursing home care--you will be able to say, that less than 5% of Canadian seniors live in nursing home institutions and so rid him of those fears and any misunderstandings.

If he tries to move you aside by saying, "Mum, I don't want you to worry, I will look after you" which is a very common response by children (usually those who are very considerate but have not done their care-research carefully), you will be able to respond with, "Yes, I know you want to be involved, but I want you as my care-manager (like a quarterback position for major decisions) but not as my everyday 24/7 hands-on caregiver" and thus open up further conversations around what that means.

There are several beginning steps you, as a young senior, and your children, as boomers with an aging parent, can do: - Obtain a copy of the informative booklet "2008-2009 Seniors programs and Services in Alberta"-- Call toll free: 1-800-642-3853 between 8:15 and 4:40 weekdays and ask that a copy be sent to you (Note: you will need to have your current address and your personal health number ready if you are a senior; if you are calling for parents who are seniors, you will need their address and health numbers). - To read and obtain an ongoing updated copy of that same informative booklet immediately 'on-line', go to my website, www.longtermcarecanada.com, click on the "Government Programs" drop-down menu, go to 'Provincial Programs' and then click on "Alberta", the booklet will appear. (Note: If you live in Alberta but have a parent living in another province and want information about that particular province's care services, do the same but for the specific province of residency) - For detailed information on all seniors support programs and services offered in Alberta, including criteria, costs, and links, go to www.seniors.gov.ab.ca - And of course, for all your care-years planning, read my guidebook.

But for now, take this quiz to find out if you are in-the-know concerning this issue and to begin conversations:

QUIZ: DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT 'CARE' IS ALL ABOUT?

Be honest--this is no time to fool yourself

1. I know that there is 'a very good probability' that I will become a caregiver at some time in my life, either of one of my parents or of my spouse... yes/no

2. For women--I understand that there is a very high possibility that I could be a caregiver 'two times in my lifetime', first of an elderly parent and then of my husband when he is a senior... yes/no

3. I realize that I may have to look after a loved one who will have 'both' a physical AND a men-tal disability and I know that this care-situation could last a long time, perhaps 3 to 10 year... yes/no

4. I know that I will experience 'mixed feelings'--I will accept my care-giving responsibilities when the time comes, yet I also will feel that I really don't have a choice (as there is no one else available in the immediate family or there are few home care services to help me out)... yes/no

5. I understand what everyday 'care-giving' duties include (e. g. helping with the basics--dressing my loved one, bathing them, helping them move around, feeding, washing, shaving, doing hair, teeth.... all the necessary activities from when one gets up right through to bedtime). I understand that it means 24/7 'custodial-type care' (as they are not sick, they are frail)... yes/no

6. I know that there is a very good chance that I may become a caregiver of a loved one during my 'retirement years' and have taken that situation into account in my retirement planning... yes/no

7. I am quite aware that I may have to adjust to some personal health difficulties as a result of assuming a care-giving role with a loved one ... yes/no

8. I know that my ability to hire someone else (even if I have a high income) does not change my care-giving/ care-management responsibilities... yes/no

9. I know that there is 'a good chance' that my mum/ dad/ or my in-laws will move in with me and my family when they need care... yes/no

10. I appreciate that my monthly expenses while caring for my loved one are going to increase and I will need to be prepared to take into account that 'on-going monthly budget increase' if I have aging parents, aging in-laws, or aging siblings... yes/no

11. I understand that no one can be a good caregiver 24-7-365 without a break, and that I will need to find ways to share care responsibilities with my family members or hire assistance at some times... yes/no

12.I will not entertain the concept of 'institutional care' for my loved ones as their desire is 'to age in place'--I am prepared to do what it takes to make this happen and I understand what may be involved... yes/no

13. I am aware that my provincial government offers some care programs that I will need to seek out, apply for and qualify to receive and I am fully aware that I will need to be a strong advocate to get this type of care in place for my loved one... yes/no

14. I understand that my everyday stress levels are going increase significantly when I become a care-giver or care-manager for a loved one (an aging parent, an older/ill sibling, an ill/elderly spouse) ... yes/no

15. I have come to terms with the knowledge that my job and career are going to be affected when I suddenly find myself in a 'working-caregiver' role and thus, I will be ready to consider my options: to limit my career growth, to quit, to retire early or to make serious changes to the conditions of my job... yes/no

16. I realize that right now I know little about the actual impact that a loved one's care-years will have on my life; I know I will be able to see our care-related-problems much clearer and will identify the services available when immersed in the everyday activities; and I know where to turn in my community to get direction and help... yes/no

17. All of 'my personal documents' are in order for my own care-years as I know that 'care' can happen 'at any age', either for a short-term disability (e. g. skiing; hip break) or longer term accident (e. g. Christopher Reeve, Superman, age 43) or as a result of aging in my old-old years... yes/no

18. I know how I am going to pay for any of my care-needs and have planned financially for this specific stage of my life... yes/no

19. I have discussed my loved ones' documents with them and all is in order for their future care-years... yes/no

20. I know where my loved ones' keep all their important documents for easy access... yes/no

Scoring:

20/20 'yes responses'... Congratulations, you are a rare individual in Canada--you are ready!

The more 'yes scores' you have, the better prepared you are should you or a loved one need to begin a care-years journey tomorrow!

Each 'no response' indicates that you and your family need to do more thinking, more discussion, and more preparation. (Remember, "Plan now--no surprises.... Please!")

As you can see Janice, it is all about educating ourselves plus making our loved ones comfortable with this issue--it stands to reason, we are all living much longer so some care is inevitable especially towards the older-age portion of our long-life spans.

'Care' isn't a sexy, trendy issue, but it definitely is a necessary one for families to understand and freely talk about occasionally - this is important if they want to avoid emotional, financial and organizational chaos 'when' not 'if' the time comes for themselves and/or their loved ones.

I honestly believe, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending"!

--My best wishes, Patty

For more information on this issue or to purchase a guidebook, visit her educational website www. Website www.longtermcarecanada.com. To ask a question of Patty email her at pattyr@telus.net

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