The findings of an Ipsos Reid survey, released in 2008 (sponsored by Bayshore Home Health), were revealing. The results confirmed that Canadian seniors truly are a "study in contradictions".

It seems that seniors across our country, between the ages of 65 and 85, are quite well prepared for their deaths (9 out of 10 Canadians had a will, about 50% already had a cemetery plot and 40% had paid for a pre-arranged funeral) but they aren't nearly as well prepared for living a long life span well into their care-years!

Here's the problem-when it comes to our future care-years, many of us, it seems, are not matching what we 'say' we truly value to achieve a successful older-age to what we are really 'doing' on a everyday basis. (A well-respected New York psychiatrist once told me, it is not our 'words' that count, it is our 'actions')

For example: Even though nearly 100% of the seniors said they wanted 'to live independently', the question becomes, what are they doing to make sure that will happen, when less than 5% are staying active; less than 47% have explored ways to help themselves remain independent at home; 51% have not even made any modifications to their home to ensure it is a safe environment; and although three-quarters had heard of home health care, less than 50% understand the kind of services that are available to them and their families in their province in order to remain at home.

As well, 50% believe that they can avoid a nursing home by relying on their family to care for them, but (not counting those already receiving home care) a whopping 96% hadn't even ventured into a conversation on the issue yet with their loved ones.

So, where can you begin your initial discussions with a spouse?

As a couple or on your own, you can start by examining your personal priorities for your care-years stage of life (what is it you 'say' you want) and then follow-up by listing exactly what you are currently doing or going 'to do' so as to give yourselves the very best chance of achieving each of those priorities when the time comes.

Opening up Discussions with A Spouse

For instance, if you state that it is important to you that you stay walking without aides for as long as possible so as to maintain your independence and mobility well into your old-old years, you should then discuss:

1. What actions you are taking so as to maintain a safe in-home/outside home environment in order to eliminate potential falls (getting rid of small area rugs, installing non-slip bathroom flooring, purchasing shower bars, paying attention to lighting around telephone areas, fixing cracks in the driveway and sidewalks, checking the sturdiness of stair banisters...)



2. What you are doing for strength exercises (gym-trainer, sit-fit....) and so forth. You get the idea.

Keep a check-list for yourself - it's always nice to see what you've accomplished and remind yourself as to why you are putting forth all this effort and change. Of course, you will need to confront your attitudes if you find yourself procrastinating.

Do tread softly though as most 'care-years discussions' are emotional -- at any age.

Our care-years are like every other stage of our life -- to make a success of it, we must prepare! And if not now, when? Remember, when it comes to care-years discussions, "Better five years too early, than five minutes too late!"

Opening up Discussions with your Adult Child

I received this email a while back, it read,

I have a problem -- I am a senior in my late 70s and have tried on several occasions to raise the issue of my future care with my (usually) very responsible son. Alas, he will not talk about it with me. Am I the only one experiencing roadblocks when it comes to talking about this? Is there something I can begin to do on my own?

Jane Doe (real names are never used in my examples)

This is part of my response

Dear Jane,

No you are not alone - unfortunately an ostrich-like attitude is common with many Canadians when it comes to this important issue. I meet it all the time..everywhere!

For instance one cold February, in Winnipeg, a taxi driver asked me what business I was in, and upon hearing my response, "I write and speak on the issue of long-term care and its enormous impacts on Canadian families", he said abruptly, "I'd never go into one of those places". And that ended any further chit-chat.

Then some time ago, I had a speaking engagement cancelled because the boss of the company didn't want a presentation on such a "depressing topic" for his employees.

.A few years ago, a survey by John Hancock hit my desk (even though it was US-based, I bet the findings would be similar in Canada). It found that of the people surveyed (a very wide range of 21 to 75 years olds) 55% would rather draw up a will than even talk about the care-issue and 50% considered going into a nursing home worse than death!

So you see, Jane, just as you are finding out, this is a delicate issue which is very much clouded with outdated ideas and strong emotions by both boomers and seniors alike -- feelings about growing older, losing independence, being a burden, needing help in order to stay in our own homes, the fear of Alzheimer's, ending one's life in a nursing home, running out of money, eroding assets during retirement, death of a parent and on and on the list goes.

So, first, I suggest you gently continue to try to raise the issue with your son, but tackle it in 'a positive manner' and in 'small pieces' such as "I want to make sure that you know that I want to move to an assisted living retirement apartment when I am older and need some help and I have picked out a fabulous one that I am interested in..it has a very social atmosphere, wonderful quality services, provides security and is very affordable for me".

This type of statement should prompt a discussion on 'your choice for residency when you need some care' and let your son know that 'aging successfully' is important to you and that you want to be very much involved in 'future decisions involving your lifestyle'.

It will also allow you to educate your son to some extent, explaining in this case, that you are not talking about nursing home care -- you will be able to say, that less than 12% of Canadian seniors live in nursing home institutions and most of that occurs in our old-old years when we need extensive assistance...and so rid him of those fears and any misunderstandings.

If he tries to move you aside by saying, "Mum, I don't want you to worry, I will look after you" which is a very common response by children (usually those who are very considerate but have not done their care-research carefully), you will be able to respond with, "Yes, I know you want to be involved, but I want you as my care-manager (like a quarter-back position for major decisions) but not as my everyday 24/7 hands-on caregiver" and thus open up further conversations around what that means.

As you can see, it is all about educating ourselves plus making our loved ones comfortable with this issue-it stands to reason, we are all living much longer so some care is inevitable especially towards the older-age portion of our long-life spans.

'Care' isn't a sexy, trendy issue, but it definitely is a necessary one for families to understand and freely talk about occasionally

This approach is important if families want to avoid emotional, financial and organizational chaos 'when' not 'if' the time comes for themselves and/or their loved ones and someone needs care